Am I Alive?

I Am Alive - PS3 Game Review



I have no idea where I first heard about I Am Alive. I think it might have been E3 2009, or 2010. It was a game whose prospect intrigued me - you are a man in Chicago after a massive earthquake has ruined most of the city, and turned the majority of the people who survived feral. You have to then survive in this, and I think I first read that so long ago that there wasn't even an end purpose for this. Either way, I was still looking forward to it. Many years and developers passed since then, and they produced a game with an un-named protagonist who attempts to navigate the city he lived in after an un-named "Event" that destroyed life as he knew it, and left a cloud of toxic dust over everything that was below 20 feet above the ground. He has to find his wife and daughter in this mess. Alright, fair enough. But could a game four years, two developers and a distribution medium down the line still fulfill the promise that it seemed to appear with all those years ago?

Well, I Am Alive is by no means a perfect game. There are many areas where you would expect a game that's been in development for 4 years to do a lot better. But there are many things that it does right. The story, while a bit vague and told through a spectacularly moribund main character, does what you want it to - it makes you care. You do genuinely feel fear when going through different places, either trying to survive encounters with very violent people who always pull machetes or guns on you or trying to survive climbing up buildings. It draws you in, with the knowledge that your survival and progress is directly controlled by what you do. very few games ever manage to do this sucessfully and it's a testament to how good I Am Alive is that despite its flaws and relatively small scale it can still immerse you so well.

So, on those flaws... it's kind of hard to ignore the biggest one, which is presented with no hyperbole or exaggeration for effect: I Am Alive is the ugliest game I've ever played. The graphics are bad on a level which is indescribable through words, it makes the much-maligned standard cars in Gran Turismo 5 look like they're from a console released in 2200. They range from bad because they're basic (the cars around the city, and the exteriors of buildings) to bad because they're just ugly, which is just about everything else. People look utterly horrific, with the hair in particular reminding me of playing my old PS1 discs on the PS3. Something went badly wrong somewhere. Thankfully you only ever notice these things when you're in buildings, as the Event led to "The Dust" being absolutely everywhere, this dust serving to obscure everything. It covers everything with a layer of obscuring stuff that's the same colour as static on old tellys. You'd think that it makes a handy escape for the general shoddiness of the graphics but even this looks too... bad. Still, it only really obscures your progress when travelling to locations, which is kinda the point.

One thing that I Am Alive is built on is resources. You have a health bar and a stamina bar, the latter being depleted by exerting yourself physically. Or, by walking through the dust. Which I found off, since surely you could cover your mouth to at least delay the effects. But, no. You do find a gas mask during the game which slows the pace down, but I can't help but think I would have done a better job in the dust at times. In terms of resources to find, there are varying types of food, liquids and medicine. You do also get the option of giving resources to people who need them in exchange for information, and (from my first playthrough at least) you can do this as much as you like, because it's easy enough to stay alive enought o play through the game without needing to constantly heal yourself. Admittedly I was playing it on the easier difficulty where resources are more common, but it was still a bit less perlious than it could have been. Weapons was where this differed though.

Bullets are a precious commodity, and given the reactions of people you find, this is a bit of a bastard. Everyone who isn't a victim you can help is someone who'll try and kill you. There are no options for interacting with hostile people aside from killing them or holding a gun at them, which is really annoying. You have to be quick at this point too, because you generally face groups of three or more people and if more than one has a gun, you need to be really quick to stay alive. The lack of an interaction option is something that really distracts you at this point, as you don't want to fight. Killing people doesn't really serve a purpose aside from getting you past people, and in a game that "explores the darkest parts of humanity," the apparent need to kill seems really misplaced, which is a shame.

One area that really lets the game down is the actual gameplay itself. The third person camera can get really annoying, though it at least has the decency to switch to first person when you're aiming a weapon. Camera control is pretty tricky when you're climbing, which is really annoying as the movement when you climb is so vague that it has to be experienced to be believed. And given that your stamina decreases as you climb, the lack of complete control when you're climbing (or the percieved feeling of it at least) really hampers your ability get into the game. I still found it noticeable even at the end, when I was almost used to it. This and the graphics don't necessarily make the game unenjoyable, but they do remind you that the game seems to be the bastard child that nobody wants, and still manages to feel rushed in parts despite its development history.

I Am Alive is by no means a bad game. Given everything it's went through, it's better than I expected. Despite its failings - bad graphics, short length, price, odd ending and gameplay issues - it does still manage to keep you gripped, and make you care. There are moments where the game is truly horrifying, and the exploration into human nature is done in a manner which is truly chilling. While I feel as if the amount of time I've waited for this game and how much hope I've had that it would be good is clouding my judgement slightly, I do still feel as if there are many things which I Am Alive has managed to do well, which should make it worthy of your attention. Maybe wait until it's in a sale first though, if you're not desperate.

More Than Just a Journey

Journey - PS3 Game Review



Journey is a download-only game released on the PSN on the 14th of March, selling at £9.99. It was developed by thatgamecompany, who produced the acclaimed games flOw and Flower (grammar optional for this mob, clearly). I have both flOw and Flower, and I don't think much of them. flOw's a lot of... nothing really, though Flower is an improvement, but still lacks something to make it even worth recommending. Journey however is a step that's about a hundred places ahead of everything that's came before it and not just from thatgamecompany, but from all of gaming.

So, why is it so good? What has led to it having a 92/100 rating on Metacritic, with unanimous praise from everyone who's played it and reviewed it? Considering pretty much every review I've seen of Journey ended with something like "it's really good, but you kinda have to play it yourself to understand it and appreciate it," I was intrigued. What could be so good about a game costing a tenner that takes at most three hours to complete, with minimal action and no dialogue? Well, I hate to be like one of those reviewers I mentioned earlier, but it's kind of hard to describe...

I'll give it a go though. You are an un-named person in a red robe in a desert. There is a mountain in the distance. The object is to go towards this mountain. It's not just a plain desert however, there are the ruins of a civilisation you have to traverse, and at the end of each section, you get a history lesson on what you've just went through. The action you go through isn't particularly taxing, you can collect tokens that allow you to jump, and as you collect more you can jump for longer distances. Fairly simple. And it doesn't change the whole way through, so it's not a difficult game to play.

Looks-wise, Journey is nothing short of simple. Borrowing from the Mirror's Edge school of thought in that "less = more," the environments are all very bold and simple, with striking scenery throughout. There are times when it's just surreal, going from a desert to a section that still is the desert but is coloured to look like it's underwater (and which does so very convincingly) is a testament to the design team, being able to keep a consistent design all the way through but being able to manipulate it to look like something which is the complete opposite. It's the same when you get to the top of the mountain and the sand becomes snow. And the simplicity of the pictures through which the story is told is a nice compliment to this, balancing the grandeur of the world you're in. And speaking of the story...

I don't want to describe the story. Or how it is told, because I'm trying to think of how not to ruin it for you reading this. But a story which is so simple and laced with such bold and dramatic imagery/allusions doesn't suffer from the lack of dialogue. The genius here is that it benefits it tremendously. The visual clues combined with the score (which is superb, and was one of the highlights of Flower) tell a story in a way which is much more effective than conventional methods of story-telling. You could write novels with hundreds of thousands of words in them and they wouldn't compare to the way Journey combines sound and vision to put the message across. And that's what makes it so special.

Very rarely have I played a game that made me feel, and since I finished it (I've made it to the end twice) I've been wracking my brain to try and remember feeling the way I did about a video game ever before, and I've come up short. Probably because I've never played anything in the style of Journey, actually. Heavy Rain had me shouting at the telly and disconsolate for days, the story in Mirror's Edge still ranks up there for me as does BioShock (and probably BioShock 2, though I don't think I've touched that since I finished it). But can I say any of these games made me feel the way Journey did? I don't think I can. I know I said I hated all the reviews who said you need to play it to understand but that's the only thing that I can think of saying that would be enough to make you understand how I felt when I finished. Although it has to be said, that finishing the game the second time round was much more emotional for me, and for good reason (the next paragraph may feel a tad shoe-horned, but I forgot about it as I was going through).

Journey can be played on your own and I finished my first playthrough like this, but the game connects you with other players when it can. It's up to you whether or not you interact with them and at the second time, I did. I stuck with the same player for about half the game and if I'd thought this game was a touching experience on my own, there's something else when you're playing it with someone else. You don't have any way of contacting the person while playing (though you do see the names of the people you played with after the credits have finished), and this lack of communication certainly adds to the feeling of tension and emotional investment. Thankfully I was paired with someone who seemed to have a degree of sense about him, and this helped. But I was still desperate to get through the game with him, and it's a testament to how much Journey draws you in that you can find yourself so attached to someone who may as well not be a real person. Again, I'm loathe to say it, but it's something you can't really get unless you do it yourself.

At face value, Journey is a game which isn't appealling. £10 for something which took me no more than two and a half hours on my first go and which is sketchy in terms of replay value sounds like an awfully bad deal. But you can't think of Journey as a game. It could be called many things, a game, a story, an experience, art and indeed it is all of these things in some way, but the only way to fully judge it is to give it a go. Whatever you take from it, I guarantee you will not be disappointed.

Things I Have an Opinion On #27

Shit Students

If you are reading this, then there is a strong possibility that you have been in education at some point in your life. For this post, I'd like you to think back to being in high school, preferrably 5th or 6th if you were there. Do you remember being told that you had to achieve the best that you possibly could during your highers? Either to get a job when you left, or to get into University? Remember the UCAS process? Remember how horrible and arduous that was, how long it took, how you were made to labour over your personal statement as if your very degree depended on it?

Well, regardless of how this process went for you, I have news you may find distressing. It was all worthless.

While I have nothing to compare it against, I can't help but think I am on an easier course than other people I went to school with. I'm in for 5-7 hours a week. Fair enough, but I still get a lot of work. I have 3 essays due with within the next 5-ish weeks alone (all lovely 2.5k ones). And since being at University I have met hard working people. People who balance their University work with a real job, an actual social life and various other interests. People who participate heartily in group projects, because they know other people are relying on them to get through and get marks. People who I would assume were deemed worthy by the faintly unhuman entity that is UCAS.

This post however is not about them. It is about the people who I am certain cheated the system somehow. People who not only cannot survive at University (and never cease to amaze me by doing so) but honestly make my mind hurt trying to figure out how they managed to convince people that they deserve to be there. People who have at least three highers of some sort, either through school or college. Remember that personal statement? I shudder to think what these people scribbled down in that. And given that they made it to the same place I did, fulfilling the same criteria I did, then I really cannot accept that the process was a difficult as it was made out to be.

It angers me knowing that at some point I was considered equal to these people. While I might sound arrogant, this isn't just on my behalf. I know plenty of people who didn't get to University who worked harder in trying and would be better there. People who are infinitely more deserving than the leeches I've described, or even the people who went through the work to get to University, only to drop out. And if people dropped out for good reasons, as people probably do, then fine. But people dropping out because they can't hack it? Deplorable. Given the state of higher education in the country today there are evidently places, at my University at least, going to people who don't deserve them. I'm not even annoyed at the money wasted on them, I'm annoyed for the people who don't get to go at the expense of these people.

While I am in no way a model student, I have still worked to get where I am, and will continue to do so. In seeing others squandering these opportunities they have, it makes me really annoyed. And it gets worse when I'm stuck in groups with them, relying on input that will come about two hours before the final thing is due. I can't fucking wait.

New Order Live, Circa 2011

Well, my dilemma from Wednesday was solved. New Order tickets = bought. And available on some variety of website that is linked to them, you can buy a CD/download of one of their recent concerts, live in a place called The Troxy in London on 10/12/11. As a slight taster if what's coming up for me in 3 months, I decided to get it, hoping that it would assuage my fears about my memories of New Order being ruined when seeing them. So to that end, consider this review to be a live review. Or as much of a live review you can get from only listening to a gig from a different city on your computer.

My previous live experience of New Order comes in the shape of one thing, and one thing alone: videos. Youtube is possibly the best website on the internet, if solely for its many users who serve to provide myself and others with footage of things we would otherwise have had no chance of seeing.



(if you view that on youtube, You'll note that I have the highest voted comment, some 3 years since I posted it)

This is only one of the many New Order videos I've enjoyed over the years, and I'd never have seen it without Youtube. Aside from the multitude of videos on there, all I would have had is the Live in Glasgow DVD (as well as the bonus DVD of rare/unseen footage), so I am eternally greatful to the people on there who gave me the chance to see a band I never thought I would have.

As for that Live in Glasgow DVD, I remember getting that and spending hours watching it, transfixed and in awe. There's a reason I consider New Order to be the greatest band ever, and it's as much for their live performances as it is their studio output. Even in this performance, roughly 30 years after they started playing as Warsaw, they gave everything, and put on a damn good show. There are few bands who can go through the kind of crap they did and still be able to play together that well.

So, it is partially down to this that I entered this London gig with some trepidation. Would they still be as good, after so much time and arguments? Without defining member and as shown in the The Perfect Kiss video, coolest man ever, Peter Hook?



(note: the FAC321 video doesn't seem to be on youtube any more, ironically)

The short answer is yes. While the bass was probably the defining characteristic of New Order's sound, it could be over-powering. Especially on the last two albums, Get Ready and Waiting For the Sirens' Call. And even from the aforementioned Glasgow gig, the bass at times was too much. It sounded out of place with the rest of the band, almost drowning them out. A more reserved style is on offer from Tom Chapman, otherwise known as "the guy who played bass in Bad Lieutenant," one which benefits many of the songs on offer. It allows the other aspects of the band's music to be shown in greater prominence, and they certainly hold up for themselves.

This allows for some rarer songs to come into the setlist, with songs like 1963, 586 and Age of Consent appearing and sounding fresh, but not overly changed from their original forms. I think this is another mark of what makes New Order so great, this massive shift in their sound has been carried off seamlessly, and in parts they are better for it. The continued use of two guitars in certain songs now available with Gillian back on keyboards is another bonus, touching songs like 1963 and True Faith up with a rockier element which again, works. In fact, it does more than work, it sounds better than it ever did before.

One thing that has always stuck in my head about New Order is a quote from the sleeve notes on the re-issue of Low-life. About producer and remixer of some songs John Robie, who said to Bernard that; "this song is in the wrong key for you, you should change it so it keys in with your voice." That it took three albums for someone to tell the singer he wasn't singing properly is rather amusing, but for New Order, it's normal. That's where the charm comes from. They aren't the greatest band ever in spite of having a singer who couldn't carry a note in a bucket, they are because of that (along with everything else). Bernard's live voice has taken many years to grow into his own thing, compare Ceremony from 1981 and





His voice grew from someone going on Stars in Their Eyes being Ian Curtis to an established vocalist in his own right. With this gig in London though, it's different again. Established songs like Crystal and indeed Ceremony sound the same, while others like Age of Consent and 586 feature more yelps and quirks than usual. Perhaps it's nerves from not having performed them in several years, but there's often a feeling of... almost of weakness running through it. As if his voice is failing him a bit. But the show was played at a fairly high pace, so maybe it was that. Plus the overall angrier feeling of it probably contributed to that as well. To quote Bernard himself, "we're punks, we don't fuck about." Hopefully he'll be more used to playing the rarer songs (and you know, maybe other ones like Procession, Leave Me Alone, Sunrise, Weirdo, Broken Promise, As It Is When It Was, Vanishing Point and Dream Attack... though I'm getting ahead of myself there) by the time May comes. But I get the feeling I won't care either way.

So to sum up, this gig from the Troxy is by no means perfect. It is however much, much better than I was expecting, and one that fills me with hope for seeing them in May. I'm getting excited now folks. This could get ugly.

A Dilemma

Of all the bands I like, there are three I hold in higher esteem than the rest. Pulp, New Order and Pearl Jam. Pulp were the first band I ever really obsessed over and loved. New Order saved my life. Pearl Jam mean more to me than just about anything in this world, and probably always will. I would jump at the chance to see any of them. I did with Pulp. I paid upwards of £300 to go to a wet field for 4 days to see one band. That turned out to be the best experience of my life though, so it was worth it. A day with Pearl Jam would probably eclipse it, but who knows when that'll happen.

The dilemma in question in the title however is New Order related. It's not really a dilemma, more a massive bout of doubt and uncertainty. The band announced today that they're playing some dates this year. There's one in Glasgow for good measure: http://www.nme.com/news/new-order/61719

Excellent, no? Well...

We have Barney, Steve, Gillian, the guy who replaced Gillian when she had kids and... someone. I'm not actually sure who the replacement bass player is. I don't know if it's the same guy who was in Bad Lieutenant with Barney. Either way, it's not really fully New Order. But that's not my worry. While Peter Hook is by no means a technically gifted musician, that's where his and the bands charm comes from. None of them were/are really any good. Barney can't sing or play the guitar. Steve isn't human so he doesn't count. Hooky is the more "frontman-ish" out of all of them, but there's no great complexity to the majority of his bass-lines, regardless of how catchy they may be. Despite all of this, will it be a loss? Will this lead to a diminished live New Order, the one I've grown to love through 240p youtube videos and the Live in Glasgow DVD (hell if the same people are going to that then it'll be good shit - and I'll probably be the youngest one there)?



Look at it. I get that it was the first gig in a while (5 years, I think). I get that it was a song that wasn't played much, if at all. And that 1963's a song which doesn't exactly lend itself well to movement and energy. But there's just something really depressing about that video. Is this what I would get if I went to see New Order in May? More importantly, would I even care?

I don't feel the same way about the possiblity of this gig as I did for Pulp. I feel a strange aversion to it, whereas Pulp was preceeded with almost complete indifference from the moment I got my tickets until the moment they walked out on the stage. I'm worried that if I do go and see New Order that my opinion of them and their place in my heart will be forever tainted because of one night, undoing everything else that came before it.


This picture, displaying Yahtzee Croshaw's theory on game anticpation sums it up well. I should add, I'm going to this gig. Harry wants to go, so I'm in. I will be there, regardless of any misgivings I currently have. But which of the four above squares will I be best described by, at 11pm on Saturday the 5th of May? I'll let you know when that time comes. In the meantime, I will listen to the greatest band in history. Who produced both the best song and best album in history. And leave you with this, one of the greatest live performances in history (and I don't know how Steve managed to play this at their dates last year, but I'm all for hearing it again):

Gig Review - The Xcerts (King Tuts, 22/1/12)

Well, I've never written a gig review before. Not a full one, anyway. But, new year, new resolution to get this going again and seeing The Xcerts for the first time in full in a venue I'd never been in before - as good a time to start as any.

So, how was it? I should say that King Tut's itself is a strange place, being a normal pub in the front before the oddly shaped stage area that only has 3/4 of a barrier at the front. The... clientele was a mixed bag, ranging from some truly stunning burds to hipsters galor to someone whose hair was reminscent of Brian May, Kevin Keegan crica 1982 and the guy out The Pigeon Detectives. Though as was expected, the people there were dedicated Xcerts fans which always adds to the good feeling of a gig. To go along with all of these lovely people belting out every word (my jaw/throat is still sore 24 hours later), the sound in King Tut's is superb. Even support band Flood of Red who had 6 instruments as well as a singer with weird vocal effects of some kind sounded brilliant, with none of them too loud like you can get elsewhere (I'm looking at you, whoever's in charge of the bass levels at the Academy).

Speaking of Flood of Red, they're an intriguing band. A 6 piece, their sole aim seems to be to create as much noise as possible. Fortunately, this works since it's combined with some tight drumming, 3 guitars that don't over-power each other and a singer who manages to sound gentle whilst screaming in parts of songs, which is a rare ability and one which adds to the overall sound, enhancing it. One to watch.

I first saw The Xcerts at T in the Park last July:

I'll be honest, I wasn't completely enthused. I think it was down to a combination of me being giddy at actually seeing them and not having gotten into Scatterbrain that much at that point (at least not to the extent I'd fallen in love with In the Cold Wind We Smile beforehand). A few months after that however was the Manchester Orchestra support slot where I saw two of the best live performances I've ever seen, for the simple reason that I believed the performance I was seeing. Every word (of both bands) felt like it was coming from a real place, particularly the closer there, Hurt With Me (though to be fair, it's hard to play/see that without feeling it on some level).

So, would an ill Murray be able to live up to the expectations of a full King Tut's? Of course. Sadly my dream of Scatterbrain/In the Cold Wind We Smile played in full back to back wasn't realised, and I didn't hear Nightschool (though I wasn't alone in my disappointment at this, but at least I wasn't impertinent enough to keep shouting for it). That aside, it was perfect. The great sound, great crowd and great performances from the three of them made for an excellent start to a new year of gigs. It's always nice to see a frontman in a band who has something of a personality, with a bit of crowd interaction (which would be especially daunting since most girls there seemed to be both pishing and gagging for it). Plus there was a nice cameo from the baldy (and eerily not-looking-like-a-real-person) guitar player from Flood of Red during Slackerpop and then some more of them during Crisis in the Slow Lane. This didn't feel token either, they all seemed to like each other and it worked.

I'd been a bit worried that Murray's recent illness would have affected his performance, but I think he was faking to avoid Bath & Preston and give the Aberdeen & Glasgow shows his real attention. A flawless vocal performance (on the occasions I could hear it above everyone else singing) and the set ending perfectly put the cap on a truly wonderful evening, and best of all: the new song (which I've not found a name for) sounded excellent. I hope it's a good representation of what's to come on the new album because if it is, then I think the band may finally reach the breakthrough they've deserved for the last ten years. AndI'll be there to see them again when they do.

Meanwhile, here's some pictures: http://www.flickr.com/photos/stpatty/sets/72157629001859073/ (side-note: Murray has lovely eyes)

So I Finished My Bedtime Reading...

I finished the Pearl Jam Twnety book last night. And I was struck by a thought. This band is older than I am. Hell they played their first show in Glasgow before I was born. I was born the day after this:



(I like to think that I somehow heard this whilst in the womb and decided it was time for me to come out)

And despite all this, 2012 marks only the third anniversary of me buying Ten. And even then, I wasn't expecting much. I'd heard of them and knew people on the internet who were big fans, but I'd seen the video for Alive (I think) on the telly at some point and thought "meh." Then came Guitar Hero 3 and after months of enjoying Even Flow, coupled with an extreme state of depression that had me throwing money at HMV on the weekends, I thought "meh, I might as well give them a chance." Now look what's happened.

It amazes me that a band so far removed from my life and who came into it completely by chance has grown over the last almost-three years from something I didn't really know, wasn't too worried about into something that I couldn't imagine life without. Granted, there are reasons for that. Vs. came into my life at the right time, as did parts of Vitalogy and Yield, while other parts like No Code and Binaural took a bit longer for me to fully realise their importance and impact. I can still remember buying all of them, still remember the effect they had on me as I grew into each record and each live performance, each hidden gem on youtube. Each set of thoughts and emotions, unique to every album, every song, every performance.

It's been a perfect relationship, really. Start not knowing much about them, grow into them, become inseparable, become incapable of living without them. I daresay I'll never get to meet any of Pearl Jam to thank them personally, and to be honest that would be a bit of a train-wreck anyway. I'd either faint or just start hugging them all, weeping. Either way, I still find it hard to put into words what Pearl Jam have given me (and will continue to). I tried when I sent them a letter after seeing Pearl Jam Twenty, and to be honest I struggled then to put into words how I felt.

It's a strange thing to have strong emotions about something as abstract as a band. They're a group of people who're completely different and unrelated to you, yet they manage to produce something that completely encapsulates your life and almost makes it complete, in a way. There's a live performance of Black on one of my CDs somewhere (I think it's one of the Gorge shows), where Eddie says "I hope you don't relate..." before the band lead into the song. And while this is a hope that's grounded in good reason (there's nothing as horrible as relating to a song like Black, even if it's brilliant), you know that just about everyone at that gig still did. Even if it's not Black, there's an infinite number of other songs that I hold dear for various reasons, and always will. That says something about the quality of Pearl Jam. That they can go on for so long, continuing to create such great music that strikes a chord (sorry) with me, despite us being so far removed from each other. That's the mark of not only a great band, but a great affinity, a great connection between band/fan.

Yes, there are other bands that I have/still do adore. Bands like Pulp who to date have provided me with the happiest day of my life. Bands like New Order who saved my life. Bands like Radiohead, Paramore, The Xcerts, You Me at Six and Joy Division who contributed to that too. And other bands since, like Frightened Rabbit, Jimmy Eat World, Rise Against and Manchester Orchestra who I'm liking more and more (Frabbit would have been in the former list if I'd know about them at the time, without question). But none have reached the level that Pearl Jam have. None of them have stuck around in my life for as long as Pearl Jam have, none have had the same impact. None have meant as much to me, and I doubt that any ever will.

I know i probably sound like a gushing moron, but I don't care. This is how I feel. This is how everyone should feel about a band at some point in their lives, be it Pearl Jam or be it someone else. This is too good a thing for people to not experience. And if you have someone else to share it with, then you've hit the jackpot. I haven't. And the only thing I want more than finally seeing Pearl Jam is someone to share them with. The closest thing I've came to love in my life is with a band, and while as I've described, this isn't a bad relationship, it's a bit sad. And I only want someone else to be made as happy as I have been.

I'll leave you with this. If humanity ever needs to send a video out summing up what is possible, then this is it, without a doubt:


And if not that, this:


Please, try and find this kind of connection with a band. It will improve your life considerably.

Things I Have an Opinion On #26

The film (500) Days of Summer.



This film was on the telly for the first time last night, coinciding with the premier of the sitcom New Girl on Channel 4 two days earlier, with both that programme and the film starring Zooey Deschanel as the female lead. Now I should say that I was filled with rage just from seeing the adverts for New Girl. I tried watching it. I got 5 lines in and wanted to tear her voicebox out just so it would stop making noice.

This post isn't about that programme though, so the film. From its poncy use of brackets in the title you get the feeling that there's something about the film that's a bit different. Perhaps there's even some QUIRKY elements to it, since most of Zooey's roles seem to have that element about her. Then you find out that it's an indie film so it probably will be a bit pretentious. Oh look then there's drawings of buildings. Delightful. And it's a romantic comedy, widely renowned as the worst genre of film that it's possible to make.

(Disclaimer: I should say, as a woman to look at (since it's unfair to judge a person on one film, but given how terrible this film was I don't know why I'm not), Zooey Deschanel is very attractive. She looks nice. Sadly, that's part of her downfall in this film, from now on abbreviated as 500DOS)

So, what happens? Well, we start off with The Guy reminiscing about the time spent with The Girl. And we start at around halfway in the point of the story (note: the 500 days part refers to how long she was in his life for), where something horrible's happened. It's all fell apart! Oh no! But she was perfect! Well...

Flashback: We see The Guy in his youth with an Unknown Pleasures t-shirt on (the mark of a twat if ever there was one) and listening to The Smiths. This apparently was the subtlest way for whoever wrote this script to say: "HE'S THOUGHTFUL AND SENSITIVE," since listening to slightly depressing music apparently means you are automatically a deep person. So he's wanting to meet The One and then The One walks into his office one day in the form of The Girl, and here's my problem (well, the first): The seeming ideal-ness of her arrival.

Now, I am a cynical person. There's many reasons for this that I won't go into here, but I am. Perhaps I dislike this film because someone who was a bit like me was happy for a while, but that's not the main reason as far as I'm concerned. But natural cynicism aside, how often does this happen? How often does the deep, thoughtful (note: I thought he had the depth of a paddling pool that's been used as a dartboard, but never mind) guy just suddenly have this exceedingly attractive, fun, happy-go-lucky woman walk into his life? She had a flower-print dress on! Along with bows in her hair! And her name's Summer for fuck sake!

Oh but wait, there's a catch. She's a callous bitch. She's giving it "ooh I don't want a relationship, I just want to be friends." Fine. I'd love a fuck-buddy that's as fun as she is. You hold your own feelings down until she realises she shares them and boom! Happily ever after. However, that's not how this film's going to work. Partly because of how it ends (which I'll come to), but partly because Summer is the worst kind of manipulative bitch.

Summer is not an unintelligent person (sorry for the double negative). She knows full well that The Guy fancies her rotten. I don't care if there's the "oh... you like me?" scene. She knew. So while she's in the lift with The Guy going "Oh hey, I love The Smiths! *sings a bit of a song*" before leaving the lift, and leaving The Guy with his tongue on the floor. So, she knows that he's into her. She knows that he's the deeply sensitive type because he listens to The Smiths and Joy Division, and how he was an architect and he sees the buildings and they way they should be. And how they're both so fun because they go to Ikea on a date and pretend they live there. Oh aren't they FUN. Even aside from my own person feelings towards Summer the Bitch, the writing in this film is terrible. Both characters are fundamentally unlikeable and the symbolism in it is terrible, like the picture I posted at the top. A Love Will Tear Us Apart t-shirt, really? Why not just have the director pop on-screen with a bored expression and a sign saying "THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT GOING IN THE DIRECTION HE'D LIKE IT TO BE."

You see, while The Guy clearly had unrealistic expectations, The Girl did nothing to tell him this. Nothing to say "hey, remember this isn't a thing" (though it clearly was). Despite the fact she knew exactly how he felt and how she knew that she was his dream girl and that by buying porn with him and then re-enacting it she had his balls on a fucking leash. But then she bites her lips and makes her eyes go big and leaves him. Leaves him to get his life back in order.

I get that you want to mope for a bit when you've been dumped by your dream woman who you didn't realise you weren't going out with, but do it properly. Cut her out. None of the smelling the pillow she slept on or pish like that, the hell are you saying about yourself then? Cut yourself off for a bit, listen to some angry music. Crank up this:


And realise you're better off without the bitch.

But no. Not our Guy. No, instead he ends up running into her in an alarmingly large number of places (half the blame goes to her for seemingly stalking the poor buggar), even going to her house for her birthday. There's then this really horrible side-by-side shot of the whole thing, one labelled "Expectations," the other "Reality." You know what happens here. Expectations is when he goes in and she's all over him, while Reality is when he goes in, she shakes his hand and then he notices she's wearing an engagement ring, and he storms out.

Wait what, a fucking engagement ring? From Miss "Oh I don't want a relationship with a guy who worships the ground I walk on," now she's ENGAGED, in a smaller amount of time than the time they were together for? And she's married by the time the 500 days are up? The fuck is wrong with you hen? Since we don't actually see the man who offers what our Guy didn't, I don't think he's real. Which would be fine, if it didn't then make Summer even more evil, pretending to have moved on when she hadn't. Manipulative. MIND-GAMES. She'd put most football managers to shame with mental tactics like that.

So in the end, The Guy does eventually cut his dreamgirl out of his life and he becomes an architect! Yay! A victory at last! Uh... no. Now, when he's in an interview for... something, there's a woman there who smiles at him. Queue the blubbering wreck to enter again "Hey, you wanna go out sometime?" And then the real subtelty of the writing comes back. Throughout the film showing you the time spent with Summer, it marked the days on screen. And this was on that staple of the indie film, the drawn background. And it was always rather grey and dull. But now he's found a new woman, there's trees. And colour, and warmth and fucking BIRDS SINGING! Well isn't that lovely, his life is improving now. Where's that bored guy with the sign? This is his moment!

This post has come a day later because I was too angry after seeing this film last night to write anything coherent (it's also why there's no Simple Math review, which will come next Sunday instead). And today, after I'd been able to reflect, it occured to me why I was so angry with this film.

I feel as if I am in some way supposed to relate to The Guy in this film. As if I'm supposed to project on to him, as if he's supposed to represent what I would be like in the film, being in the situations he is. And as if I'm supposed to look at Summer:



And think "OHHH SHE IS PERFECT SHE WILL MAKE ME AN OUTGOING CONFIDENT PERSON WHO DOES HAPPY THINGS I MUST HAVE HER." And that'd be lovely. I think everyone would like that in their life. The problem is, she's an utterly abhorrent human being. She's horrible. She destroys this guy's life, and he still pines for her? Is this what I'm supposed to aspire to? Having my heart broken by someone who might well have a cute face (and fucking massive eyeballs) but below this nice exterior has a swinging brick for a heart? Is this what modern love is supposed to be about? Is this the ideal that people like me are supposed to want? To aspire to?

Well to that I say, fuck you. I'd rather die alone than have to suffer at the hands of a vindictive, manipulative bitch like Summer. I certainly couldn't cope with her for 500 days.

Resolutions

With a new year, the seemingly endless barrage of self-improvement from everyone you know can be overwhelming. I myself have never made any concrete resolutions in any year but then again, I'm perfect.

Attempting to improve upon this perfection this year is my goal however, and since I've only documented my various resolutions on twitter at around midnight (which was 6 days ago now), there's no real evidence that I can be held accountable with. Admittedly posting them here probably won't make any difference since the readership of this blog would shame those obscure publications you get on the missing words round on Have I Got News For You, but I'd like to have some record of them. Anyway, in no particular order (the order I thought of them in when originally writing them down):

1. Diary

I started keeping a diary again last March and updated it with some rather large if sporadic entries, and the last one makes me laugh and cringe a bit when I read it again. That aside, I never stuck with it. I'd like to again. Partly because regular writing will help me at University, partly because I'd like some sort of record of what I've done throughout my life and partly because keeping a diary might mean I do things in my life that are worth keeping track of. I won't have something as compelling as Christopher Isherwood's (whose own diary/books prompted me to start it in the first place when I studied him last semester) diary, but I'll have something. Even if no-one ever gets to read it.

2. Blog

Well, here we go. This one's going well so far.

3. Build

I've decided I am unhappy at having the physique and strength of an under-nourished 11-year old, so I have started to do lift some weights. 3 days in so far, my legs are killing me. Not noticed a difference arm-wise yet, but it's not going to happen over-night. I can't wait for the bitches to start rolling in when I have a stomach you can grate cheese on.

4. Drive

Something that's sort of been on my to-do list for a while, I'll learn to drive at some point this year. After my exams in January, maybe in the summer depending on how busy I am. I might even get a job to get a car.

5. University

I will spend until 4PM each day in the library, either studying or writing essays or reading or whatever else has to be done. Tried to ease myself into this one so far, not going well. Though I am fairly far ahead in my essay that's due on Monday.

6. Job

Another that's been on here a while, kind of. I'm not sure how I'll go about this, but I'll try.

7. Boring

This one's difficult. "I will be less boring" is one of those vague ones that various people on the internet will tell you is the worst kind of resolution, one that is un-doable because it has no real objective, one where you could fool yourself into thinking you'd done it when you hadn't, or something like that. Either way, I'm going to attempt to be more outgoing this year. I dread to think where that'll lead me.

8. The Planks

2012 will be the year of The Planks, be this for better or worse. I have 15 sets of words ready (with another one half-done), and they need some music to go with them. I have visions of me building my own guitar (out of planks of wood, obviously) and learning on that, so if this particular fantasy does become a reality, then it will be something to look at, at least.

9. Routine

I have this listed, but I don't know what it is. It seems to be covered under a few others. It will include better eating/water drinking/sleeping though, since my current routine for that is kinda terrible.

Additions I've thought of after this: Become a Pokemon Master. And one I started by accident (TMI-ish moment here), I shall once again attempt what I've attempted for the past 4 Lents, I will refrain from self-abuse for this year. Doing well so far.

So, there you have it. Hopefully I'll stick to them. I'll certainly try, if anything it'll help me stave off the horrid feeling that'll happen to me around mid-March, or at least make me feel as if I've achieved something in my life by this point because as it stands, I really don't think I will have.

Bedtime Reading...

This has been keeping me awake for longer than usual at night recently. It's big, thick and could do some damage if it hit you in the face:



The word "love" is thrown around a lot these days, but I'm fairly certain that I'm close to/if not already feeling it for Pearl Jam. I'll sound unbearably smug right now, but it's hard to explain how I feel about this band. And while it's a rather abstract notion to have feelings for, they deserve it. And everyone should have a band they feel this way about. Now, if only I could convince anyone I know to at least give them a chance to become that band.