This film was on the telly for the first time last night, coinciding with the premier of the sitcom New Girl on Channel 4 two days earlier, with both that programme and the film starring Zooey Deschanel as the female lead. Now I should say that I was filled with rage just from seeing the adverts for New Girl. I tried watching it. I got 5 lines in and wanted to tear her voicebox out just so it would stop making noice.
This post isn't about that programme though, so the film. From its poncy use of brackets in the title you get the feeling that there's something about the film that's a bit different. Perhaps there's even some QUIRKY elements to it, since most of Zooey's roles seem to have that element about her. Then you find out that it's an indie film so it probably will be a bit pretentious. Oh look then there's drawings of buildings. Delightful. And it's a romantic comedy, widely renowned as the worst genre of film that it's possible to make.
(Disclaimer: I should say, as a woman to look at (since it's unfair to judge a person on one film, but given how terrible this film was I don't know why I'm not), Zooey Deschanel is very attractive. She looks nice. Sadly, that's part of her downfall in this film, from now on abbreviated as 500DOS)
So, what happens? Well, we start off with The Guy reminiscing about the time spent with The Girl. And we start at around halfway in the point of the story (note: the 500 days part refers to how long she was in his life for), where something horrible's happened. It's all fell apart! Oh no! But she was perfect! Well...
Flashback: We see The Guy in his youth with an Unknown Pleasures t-shirt on (the mark of a twat if ever there was one) and listening to The Smiths. This apparently was the subtlest way for whoever wrote this script to say: "HE'S THOUGHTFUL AND SENSITIVE," since listening to slightly depressing music apparently means you are automatically a deep person. So he's wanting to meet The One and then The One walks into his office one day in the form of The Girl, and here's my problem (well, the first): The seeming ideal-ness of her arrival.
Now, I am a cynical person. There's many reasons for this that I won't go into here, but I am. Perhaps I dislike this film because someone who was a bit like me was happy for a while, but that's not the main reason as far as I'm concerned. But natural cynicism aside, how often does this happen? How often does the deep, thoughtful (note: I thought he had the depth of a paddling pool that's been used as a dartboard, but never mind) guy just suddenly have this exceedingly attractive, fun, happy-go-lucky woman walk into his life? She had a flower-print dress on! Along with bows in her hair! And her name's Summer for fuck sake!
Oh but wait, there's a catch. She's a callous bitch. She's giving it "ooh I don't want a relationship, I just want to be friends." Fine. I'd love a fuck-buddy that's as fun as she is. You hold your own feelings down until she realises she shares them and boom! Happily ever after. However, that's not how this film's going to work. Partly because of how it ends (which I'll come to), but partly because Summer is the worst kind of manipulative bitch.
Summer is not an unintelligent person (sorry for the double negative). She knows full well that The Guy fancies her rotten. I don't care if there's the "oh... you like me?" scene. She knew. So while she's in the lift with The Guy going "Oh hey, I love The Smiths! *sings a bit of a song*" before leaving the lift, and leaving The Guy with his tongue on the floor. So, she knows that he's into her. She knows that he's the deeply sensitive type because he listens to The Smiths and Joy Division, and how he was an architect and he sees the buildings and they way they should be. And how they're both so fun because they go to Ikea on a date and pretend they live there. Oh aren't they FUN. Even aside from my own person feelings towards Summer the Bitch, the writing in this film is terrible. Both characters are fundamentally unlikeable and the symbolism in it is terrible, like the picture I posted at the top. A Love Will Tear Us Apart t-shirt, really? Why not just have the director pop on-screen with a bored expression and a sign saying "THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT GOING IN THE DIRECTION HE'D LIKE IT TO BE."
You see, while The Guy clearly had unrealistic expectations, The Girl did nothing to tell him this. Nothing to say "hey, remember this isn't a thing" (though it clearly was). Despite the fact she knew exactly how he felt and how she knew that she was his dream girl and that by buying porn with him and then re-enacting it she had his balls on a fucking leash. But then she bites her lips and makes her eyes go big and leaves him. Leaves him to get his life back in order.
I get that you want to mope for a bit when you've been dumped by your dream woman who you didn't realise you weren't going out with, but do it properly. Cut her out. None of the smelling the pillow she slept on or pish like that, the hell are you saying about yourself then? Cut yourself off for a bit, listen to some angry music. Crank up this:
And realise you're better off without the bitch.
But no. Not our Guy. No, instead he ends up running into her in an alarmingly large number of places (half the blame goes to her for seemingly stalking the poor buggar), even going to her house for her birthday. There's then this really horrible side-by-side shot of the whole thing, one labelled "Expectations," the other "Reality." You know what happens here. Expectations is when he goes in and she's all over him, while Reality is when he goes in, she shakes his hand and then he notices she's wearing an engagement ring, and he storms out.
Wait what, a fucking engagement ring? From Miss "Oh I don't want a relationship with a guy who worships the ground I walk on," now she's ENGAGED, in a smaller amount of time than the time they were together for? And she's married by the time the 500 days are up? The fuck is wrong with you hen? Since we don't actually see the man who offers what our Guy didn't, I don't think he's real. Which would be fine, if it didn't then make Summer even more evil, pretending to have moved on when she hadn't. Manipulative. MIND-GAMES. She'd put most football managers to shame with mental tactics like that.
So in the end, The Guy does eventually cut his dreamgirl out of his life and he becomes an architect! Yay! A victory at last! Uh... no. Now, when he's in an interview for... something, there's a woman there who smiles at him. Queue the blubbering wreck to enter again "Hey, you wanna go out sometime?" And then the real subtelty of the writing comes back. Throughout the film showing you the time spent with Summer, it marked the days on screen. And this was on that staple of the indie film, the drawn background. And it was always rather grey and dull. But now he's found a new woman, there's trees. And colour, and warmth and fucking BIRDS SINGING! Well isn't that lovely, his life is improving now. Where's that bored guy with the sign? This is his moment!
This post has come a day later because I was too angry after seeing this film last night to write anything coherent (it's also why there's no Simple Math review, which will come next Sunday instead). And today, after I'd been able to reflect, it occured to me why I was so angry with this film.
I feel as if I am in some way supposed to relate to The Guy in this film. As if I'm supposed to project on to him, as if he's supposed to represent what I would be like in the film, being in the situations he is. And as if I'm supposed to look at Summer:
And think "OHHH SHE IS PERFECT SHE WILL MAKE ME AN OUTGOING CONFIDENT PERSON WHO DOES HAPPY THINGS I MUST HAVE HER." And that'd be lovely. I think everyone would like that in their life. The problem is, she's an utterly abhorrent human being. She's horrible. She destroys this guy's life, and he still pines for her? Is this what I'm supposed to aspire to? Having my heart broken by someone who might well have a cute face (and fucking massive eyeballs) but below this nice exterior has a swinging brick for a heart? Is this what modern love is supposed to be about? Is this the ideal that people like me are supposed to want? To aspire to?
Well to that I say, fuck you. I'd rather die alone than have to suffer at the hands of a vindictive, manipulative bitch like Summer. I certainly couldn't cope with her for 500 days.
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