Let's Not

Originally posted on 11/10/09

FIFA 10 - PS3 Game Review

The cover of this game says a lot. Featuring Theo Walcott, the "next big thing" for about the last 5 years, Wayne Rooney, the "almost best player in the world," and Frank Lampard, the "crap Stephen Gerrard" it shows not only a nice wee taster of what's to come when you play the game, but that EA need to get their act together when they do region-specific covers.

A side-note, the opening sequence had a few wee bugs, mainly an SPL logo that's 3 years old and blood splattering across the screen in between the league licences (get it round you Konami!) which are another taster of what's to come once you start playing.

FIFA 10's box boasts of many improvements on 09, with 360 dribbling, custom set pieces, virtual pro's and manager mode improvements.

-Makes a fair point with these, the 360 dribbling would work if there was better reaction time by players, because if you try and bend a run past someone it'll never come soon enough and you'll go out of play or pull a Kenny Miller and run into the first man.

-The custom set piece creator while possible requires a gargantuan effort to make something remotely able to score a goal from, and you have to do it. Why? Because from free kicks and corners no-one ever gets in space, and if they do they can't head the ball anyway. Even if you get a free kick from 18 yards your best bet is to pass it and hope someone has had the sense to get into space to take a shot, because you can't score freekicks, as usual.

-Virtual Pro I can give it credit for, the Be a Pro last year was very thrown together feeling, and the game face (uploading a picture to the EA website to use on your in-game player) whole most of the time looking nothing like you at least means you don't look like everyone else in the team. The accomplishment system means your player will actually grow in strength in areas he does well in, meaning you can't have a player who has 99 for everything after 2 seasons playing up front.

-Manager Mode I have to disagree. Because it's utter shite. Manager mode was not without its faults last year, my 19 year old 88 overall Brazilian goalkeeper Petre Dyachenko being proof of said faults, but the additions to it this year make it seem much more turgid. Player transfers is easier to navigate it has to be said, and while the only teams who come in for your players are the teams in your league (Celtic bid every week for Kenny Miller) you do still get the odd headscratcher, like Davie Weir to Real Madrid. Seriously.

This is where the praise for MM ends however as everything else added makes the process of playing ridiculous. The form system has a mind of its own, and here's an example:

Kris Boyd has a rating of 86
Before match with Motherwell, Boyd, whose form is the highest it can be, has a rating of 78
After 6 goals against Motherwell, Boyd has a rating of 76

It's like this with everyone else too. The form system is a good idea and a first for FIFA, but quite what the point in putting something this shoddily made into the final game is is beyond me. Especially since you can put a reserve in for a game, he gets no chances and gives the ball away more than he keeps it, and nothing will happen to his rating.

The Board Evaluation feature is another brilliant idea, but it falls on its arse for the same reason as form - it is completely unrealistic. I started my MM season with a loss, 3 wins and a draw, 1 point behind Celtic, and I recieved a message thus:

"The board have released a statement saying they are 100% behind you despite your poor start, but have in private questioned whether you are able to fulfill your objectives for the season (win the league and cup)"

I realise i'd set the board difficulty to World Class, but their requests sound more like something you'd get on SuperScoreBoard rather than the people running the club. Also, if you try to sell too many players you get told "the board is rejecting this move, as they feel it will interfere with the core of the team too much." Hey, it's Hearts when Mad Vlad took over!

The most annoying part of FIFA 10 is not any of the things i've mentioned before, nor is it online play (which works fine,) it is the gameplay, and everything associated with it. Stadium selection is still crap, St. James' Park being an example of the wonderful management at EA, with "Football Ground" serving as the home for the Old Firm. You can rename the stadiums where teams play, but it rather defeats the purpose when there is no bloody difference in stadia.

We were made to go shiny eyed with the promise of different weather conditions for online, only thing is to get a decent game you'll be playing in full sun, as when it's raining the ball doesn't move on the ground and when it's snowing nobody can move. Oh, did I mention that it rains in EVERY EFFING GAME in Scotland? Well it does. And when it snows (snowed every game from December through January) players wear under armour, short sleeved top with gloves of the Samaras option, going with what Han Solo used to cover Luke in the Empire Strikes Back. It might seem trivial but as someone who only ever goes Rangers, having to play a Scottish league season where my players look ridiculous and it always bloody rains makes you feel like an after thought. (It should be noted that all my defenders bar Bougherra are real men, and always play in short sleeves).

Cosmetic problems aside (the Bumblebee by the way is washed out, and the table cloth Rangers wear looks absurd) the game play is diabolical. Passing is always hampered by the crap pitch, so even if you actually manage to get a decent pass lined up it never goes far enough. Heading is non existant unless your player has a rating of 85 or above. A player can have 10 yards when the ball is coming towards him, and he will either not back up to head it and miss it completely, or chest it down, or pull a JVOH header and duck, nodding it to their foot before making the pass.

Going forward is a lovely hit or miss process, as no-one except Boyd it seems can score, and considering you need 2 yards to get past your man, he ain't going to get very far. If you don't have the 2 yard advantage and your player isn't 8 feet tall and built like a tank, he will be muscled off the ball after 3 steps. Hell even if you only get a one yard lead on the defender, he will do pull what I like to call the "Police cars in Driver" move and find an extra burst of speed Usain Bolt would br proud of. If however you have timed a run to perfection you will be extremely lucky to score unless the person with the ball has a finishing of 95 or upwards. The goalkeeper will inexplicably (we'll come to these pricks later) palm it round the post, over the bar, to another defender or if in the off chance you manage to get the rebound, unless he's within 8 yards of you, you'll still be stopped. Pressing R1 doesn't work either, unfortunately.

Of course you could chip the goalkeeper if you have the space. How do I know this? Yet another of EA's boasts this year was improved goalkeeper intelligence. I think Rab Douglas hacked this game, that or Allan McGregors stats were influenced byt that fateful night after getting pumped by Holland. Needless to say, this "improved intelligence" amountd to nothing more than your keeper coming 12 yards off his line if the attacker comes within 30 feet of your goal. Andy Driver used this to great effect, when I was holding on to a lead against Hearts. In the 83rd minute. Keepers are also often stranded when it comes to corners, either coming too soon and missing it completely or doing nothing, while the defender does exactly the same. See, the CPU can actually be dangerous from a corner, because it doesn't have all your players wating outside the bloody penalty spot. The same goalkeeping traits apply to crosses into the box, but crossing is so bloody difficult nothing ever comes of them anyway. I hit the bar with a cross once. From about 25 yards from the by-line.

The final thing that makes you feel like an afterthought is the referees for Scotland. This year we have 3 new ones! (Alligences in brackets)

Hugh Moan - Tim
William McSinclair - Hun
some other Scottish guy - Tim
Scott Munroe - (Steve Conroy loyal) (note: is Canadian)

A Canadian referee for SPL games. And all the referees have ridiculous consistency, you can bump into someone and concede a free kick, but me hauled to the ground when going forward and get nothing. They all also seem to have a strange conception of what playing the advantage is, as none of them ever bloody do it.

FIFA 10 is a game which improves on the negative aspects of what came before it, but the slight improvements are drowned out by the tidal wave of insiduous deficiencies which make it a bloody torrid experience. It's a step backwards for EA, and a worrying one, seeing as those pesky Japanese are making something which could finally oust them.

It wont though. I think I can hold off playing Bali versus Angola for now...